Happiness, A Happier Life
Everyone wants happiness, or in general, a happier life, and there are many steps that can be taken to enhance happiness. Some of these are listed below and are explained in more detail in the linked pages.
1. Attitude
Key to happiness is having a good attitude. The external world will be what it is. It is your reaction to external stimuli that will determine your happiness. If you have an attitude of acceptance about external events, you will not be getting upset over things on which you have no control. You need to understand that your reaction to external stimuli is based on your conditioning. That will enable you to understand your reactions and change them. The same event will have different impact on various persons based on their past. If you had positive experience with similar events in the past, you will have similar experience now, but some one else may have had a negative experience with the same stimuli in the past and the same stimuli will now cause different reactions in each of you. That implies that it is your mind and not the external stimuli which is causing the reaction in you. Thus working on your mind will change your reaction or at least reduce the negative impact of external events.
You can begin by observing why you are getting angry or upset at something and try to identify what in your past is causing this attitude. For example, you find that seeing a red car irritates you. Think back and you may find that some one with whom you had a toxic relationship owned a red car and since things associated with that person caused negative reactions, the sight of a red car still irritates you. There is nothing objective about the red car that troubles you, it is just its association with something negative in your past. Understanding this will help reduce your negative reaction to a red car. Multiply this example by the dozens of external objects and events that cause you to be irritated, angry or unhappy. When you understand that it is your past conditioning that is creating these emotions (triggered by that stimuli), you will realize that there is no point in carrying this negative baggage, since the original stimuli is long gone and you are only reducing your happiness by continuing to harbor this negative reaction. This will take time to happen, but constant attention to this process will keep on improving your happiness, since fewer things will make you unhappy.
1.5. Famous Prayer
There is famous prayer which is very relevant to this. It goes like this-
“Lord, give me the courage to change the things I can change, the acceptance to accept the things I can’t change and the wisdom to know the difference. When you apply this to the events that upset you, you will realize there is little in the external world that you can change, specially other folks’ behavior. You have probably already changed external things that you could easily change. What continues to bother you are things you have little control over, so better to work on your attitude towards those things. Increasing acceptance of them will make you happier. In the meanwhile examine if there is anything that you can change among the things that bother you and if so, take action to make changes to reduce it’s negative impact on you. For example if things at work bother you a lot, explore changing your job. An easier option may be to narrow down the issues bothering you at work to a few major ones and try to talk to the others concerned so see if you can resolve those issues. Sometimes the problem is not so much with others as with some underlying issue within yourself. Maybe certain interactions with others touch some hot buttons within you. Some introspection may help minimize the impact of these issues on you.”
An important factor of attitude is contentment. If you are constantly seeking new possessions or experiences, you will often be frustrated and irritated when you don’t get what you want. The key is to distinguish between Wants and Needs. As long as you have whatever you need, you can diminish the importance of wants in your level of happiness. If you get them, it’s great, but if you don’t get whatever you want, don’t let it ruin your day. Clarity about the distinction between the two will help in this process.
2. Positive thinking
You are made by your thoughts, so thinking positive thoughts will make you a happier person. Of course, thoughts are very difficult to control, so this will take a lot of effort and practice, but the effort will pay for itself in terms of the happiness it will bring to your life. As mentioned in the previous section, having a bad attitude towards people or situations does not help you in the least. The way to change your attitude is to think positively about people, situations, events etc., in short about life in general. There is much to be thankful for in everyone’s lives (along with some things which may be troublesome). The key is to focus on the good things in life and not to dwell upon those things that you don’t consider good.
Practice observing your thoughts and soon you can be aware of your mind’s processes as a witness without getting involved in your thoughts. There is a simple process for this, but it takes a lot of practice. (——). Whenever you find yourself thinking negatively about anything, try to change your thinking. For example, if you don’t like what someone else is doing, instead of thinking negatively about it, ask yourself how does it concern you. Most of the time it does not, and then you can just move on. If it does concern you, assess if it is a minor thing that really it is not worth losing your peace of mind over it. Most situations fall in this category and if so, you can just move on and think of more pleasant things. After a few episodes like this you will realize that your happiness is better served by ignoring most minor things that bother you. But if it is something that cannot be ignored, try to politely talk to the other person and tell them how their action makes you feel. Do not tell them that they are wrong to be doing that and to stop doing what they are doing. Just communicate how their actions make you feel. You will find the other person more receptive to your communication and more inclined to change their actions.
3. Fulfilling Basic needs
It is hard to define what is a basic need since there are so many individual differences. But for our purpose, let’s assume that a basic need is something which is essential to the sustenance, health and well- being of the individual. Food, housing, healthcare etc. would be basic needs. We need to distinguish between “needs” and “wants” for this purpose. While healthy food sufficient to provide the nutritional needs of the body are a basic need, a steak dinner would be a ‘want”. Similarly housing sufficient to provide reasonably comfortable living is a basic need, but a large mansion is a ‘want”. Even in these matters there will be a large variance based on individual backgrounds and being reasonably happy with something is also in a large part based on history and upbringing.
There are many parts of the world where a one roomed hut is considered sufficient, while there are folks who have been used to living in large houses. While those folks can get used to living in much smaller homes, it may take quite a bit of effort and attitude change to get used to it, let alone be happy in it. That same effort can be better used for other purposes, unless there is a dire need for the person to get used to a smaller home, so for our purpose, we can assume that housing reasonably similar to what the person has been accustomed to in their past is a ‘need’ for happiness, while more luxurious housing is a ‘want”. Our focus is on increasing happiness level so there is no point in getting used to very basic lifestyle unless it is needed by the circumstances. That said, there are many folks who are so passionate about their purpose that type of housing is not at all important to happiness, but let’s focus on the average person for this discussion.
Healthy nutritious food is a basic need and if that is not fulfilled, it will cause poor health. However an excess of food will also cause poor health, so it important to avoid excesses in eating while ensuring that the body’s nutritional needs are met. It is important to distinguish between amount of food and nutrition. Even large amounts of junk food will not provide adequate vitamins, minerals and micronutrients that the body needs for optimal health, but will just add empty calories. It is importance to eat in a healthy way and the US Government has guidelines on this like the “Food Pyramid”. There is an abundance of information easily available on this subject so we will not go very deep into this. In most developed countries, getting an adequate amount of healthy nutritious food is not a major constraint.
Healthcare is also a basic need since a healthy body is needed to do most things. Chronic and acute illnesses abound and preventive care as well as therapeutic care is needed to keep folks functioning at optimal levels, specially as they get older. Healthcare is expensive and often constitutes a significant share of a family’s annual expense. In many countries, there are government subsidies for those who can’t afford healthcare. It is important to prioritize preventive care along with a healthy lifestyle to optimize quality of life, since illnesses can be quite debilitating.
4. Health
Health is a relative term. For an Olympian, health implies peak fitness while for an elderly person with many chronic diseases, health may imply just absence of acute pain. Since there is no “one size fits all definition” we will use certain minimal criteria to define health in the context of happiness in life. Studies have shown that even seriously ill persons can be happy, but that is not the ideal situation, so we will define health in our context as absence of major illness and chronic pain and a feeling of vigor and fitness appropriate to age. Absence of major illness can be influenced by healthy life style choices, but we have to acknowledge that illnesses due to genetics are not very much under our control. There is a lot in information available about what a healthy life style involves so we will not go into too much detail here. But it is important to note that food plays a very important role in health, so it in critical to avoid foods that might create adverse health impact. There is very suitable advice by Michael Pollen (best selling author about food) on this- ‘”Eat food, not too much, mostly plants.” Details are available in his books, but he advises eating real food (not manufactured or highly processed food) in moderate quantities and limiting quantity of meat in the diet.
Moderate exercise also helps. Simple stuff like walking for 20-30 minutes a day helps a lot. Walking outdoors also help elevate your mood. You will find that just enjoying the surrounding nature is more relaxing than listening to music or being on the phone while walking. You should talk to your doctor or gym about exercise appropriate to your age and follow a daily exercise routine. It will really help your health.
Stress is also a major cause of ill health. Positive thinking and a good attitude will go a long way in alleviating stress. Minimizing fear (as outlined in section __) also helps to reduce stress. There are other stress reducing techniques like meditation, deep breathing etc. The best way to reduce stress is to identify the stressors, change what you can and accept what you can’t change as being a part of life. This attitude change will avoid unnecessary stress. For example a teenager may be stressed about about acne and about height. Something can be done about acne but height has just to be accepted as a given.
5. Relationships
You should have someone with whom you can be yourself without fear of judgement. This need not be a romantic relationship. It can be a friend or relative. Having someone like this will enable you to open up and share your thoughts and feelings. This sharing has many benefits for emotional well- being as well as for physical health, besides it adds to the sense of security that some one will be there for you in case of need.
It would be great to have good relationships with friends and family members. This really boosts the happiness level. On the other hand it is important to avoid toxic relationships, since those can really impact your emotional well being and increase your stress level. One way to improve relationships is accept others as they are, without trying to change their behavior or opinions. It’s possible to have good relationships without agreeing on everything, so don’t expect the other person to conform to your notions of behavior or proper opinions. However if the behavior is out of bounds of generally accepted behavior, then it is better to minimize interactions, rather than create stress for yourself with each interaction. Of course, you should communicate your concerns in a polite way before you take this step so the other person understands the reason for your minimizing interactions. There is a possibility that if the other person values having a good relationship, he/she will try to make some changes or explain to you why their behavior is OK and your judgement is not. It is very difficult to get others to change, so it’s best to just accept their behavior and focus on the positives- assuming you want to continue the relationship. If the negatives greatly outweigh the positives then it is better to stay away from any interactions.
Loneliness is a big problem for many folks specially some seniors who don’t have a workplace or family to turn to. Joining a volunteer group or a church group other similar groups can help with this. It is important to know that you will be missed by someone when you pass away.
6. Self Actualization
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs indicates that after a person has fulfilled his/her basic needs, there is a need for self-actualization or self- fulfillment. I believe everyone has a purpose in life and happiness comes from finding that purpose and living your life fulfilling that purpose. Most folks find that making a positive difference in the lives of others brings lasting happiness. This can done in various ways and each person will need to find their unique way of doing this. It is not easy initially to find your purpose, and even when you do, life ‘intervenes” and prevents you from fulfilling your purpose- bills have to be paid etc.
7. Security
There are many things to be afraid of, but most folks worry about matters that are not very significant or the fears are largely unfounded. The first step to reducing fear and worry is to think about anything that is causing worry and ask what is the worst that can happen in that case. Most times you will realize that even the worst (which is quite unlikely to happen) is something you can live with and it is not worth spoiling your happiness now worrying about that. For example, a lot of stress is caused by work related matters. If you analyze any work related matter, you will realize that the worst that can happen is that you will lose your job. Of course, that is very unlikely except in the most extreme situations, but even if you lose your job at this company, you can find another job the same way you got this job. Since you employed, don’t forget that you are employable and have some skills that employers value. There may be a transition period, but there are programs like unemployment insurance to help through that. Another way to build up security is to have savings equal to three months expenses, which should be adequate time to make the transition. If job related stress is very high, you can decide to make a change and start looking for another job, while you are still employed. That action alone will help relieve the stress because you are doing something about it.
Physical security is fairly common for most folks, but if you are in an abusive domestic situation, you should get help ASAP. There are many resources to help with that (resources link). If there is a law and order problem in your neighborhood, consider moving. Of course, it is not easy to move, but consider that your personal safety is more important than most factors that keep you in the neighborhood. You may need to move to a smaller place if cost is a factor, or if you are there because of friends and relatives, talk to them about moving. They may be having similar fears and may be open to moving along with you.
8. Connecting With Nature
Nature has a wonderful ability to lift anyone’s spirits. Just being outdoors in good weather makes you feel cheerful. If you take the time to appreciate the natural beauty around you, it will make you feel even better. Of course, a beautiful sunset can be breathtaking, but even everyday sights like the different shades of green on the trees or the chirping of birds are worth enjoying. Normally we just ignore these as routine sights, but if you take the time and pay attention to these sights and sounds, you find them to be enjoyable and will add a different dimension to what earlier might have just been a routine walk. There is an old saying ‘take time to smell the roses” and it is very relevant and true even now. Take the time to enjoy whatever nature has to offer you and you will find a multitude of very enjoyable sights and sounds. The added benefit is that being outdoors allows you to breathe fresh air and that helps your health.
Besides natural scenery, animals can also give you joy. There is a good reason why a lot of folks keep pets. You can have a connection with your pet which is almost like that with a family member. They help avoid loneliness for many folks. There are studies that have shown that people with pets live longer. But pets need quite a bit of attention and are not suitable for everyone. You can enjoy animals even without keeping a pet. Just look around you when you are outside and you will see animals like squirrels or even rabbits and deer if you live near wooded areas. Birds are found in plenty everywhere. Just observing the antics of these animals and birds can be fascinating and will help give a respite from the routine stresses of the day.
Plants also boost happiness. A lot of folks keep potted plants in the home or cultivate flower gardens outside. Plants are a life form and they can be a source of pleasure. Their beauty and fragrance of course are enjoyable, but taking care of them gives pleasure to a lot of folks.
9. Meditation And Proper Breathing
Meditation helps calm the mind and gives a feeling of inner peace. This provides a significant boost to a person’s happiness. There are plenty of meditation techniques and guides available online so we will not go into details in this section. (check out www.yogimeditation.com for information on meditation). Deep breathing is one quick way to calm the mind. Just sit quietly and take deep breaths slowly. Mentally try to follow the breath as it goes from your nostrils to your lungs and back out. Keep a count of the breaths. After a few minutes of doing this, you will start feeling calmer. Try it for five minutes and see for yourself. There are advanced breathing techniques which can induce bigger changes in your state of mind, but those are very powerful and need to be practiced under the guidance of a qualified teacher.
10. Other Folks’ Impression Of You
Living in society implies interaction with others. In these interactions there is usually a desire for approval from others. That can become quite a problem, specially in those who don’t have very high self-esteem. If this desire for approval starts detracting from your happiness significantly, you should examine why it is so important to you. List out your strengths and review your actions in light of your values and you may realize the others are wrong to criticize you and your actions. This will help you diminish the importance of negative feedback and you should try to ignore it. But, if after reviewing your actions, you feel that others are correct, then you should try to change your actions to conform to your values and to society’s expectations.
11. Negative Thoughts
Quite a bit of unnecessary stress is caused by reading the news or watching news on TV or reading news on the internet. Most of the news items have been picked for their sensational value are of little relevance to your life. The headlines are written such to persuade you to read the articles and thus be exposed to the advertising that makes money for the news vendors. Many news items, specially those about politicians cause emotions like anger, irritation etc. You will be fine without this. Try to go on a news blackout for a few days and see for yourself the reduction in your stress levels. If you are a news ‘junkie’, then wean yourself off in gradual stages. First restrict yourself to checking the news only once and that too in the late afternoon when most of the days’ events have already occurred. Or only read about Sports or some other subject like business news that matters most to you. Better still ask a friend for a brief update on anything significant that happened that day. That way you will not be afraid about missing out anything important and will avoid the stress that comes from reading or viewing the news.
Similarly, if there are other stress creators in your life, evaluate how important is it to continue with that. See if you can cut out exposure to them or if there is something you can do to change that situation. If not, practice acceptance of that situation to reduce the stress it causes in your life.
12. Having Achievable And Meaningful Goals
Happiness is enhanced by making progress towards meaningful goals. But chasing goals which may be a too ambitious for your current level of preparedness, may make you unhappy. If non achievement of your goals is causing you stress, evaluate what more you can do to achieve your goals. If you reach the conclusion that there is not much more you can do in the short term, then modify your goals to extend the time frame or amend the desired end result so that it is achievable by you within a reasonable time frame. Working towards meaningful goals should be a source of joy, not cause unhappiness.
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